Why men won't marry you
- Thread starter serpentdove
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Did you bother reading the links I provided?
You know what, silly question. You're an overgrown child and clueless to boot. Have fun with the thread, folks, but good news: The almighty all-knowing expert is in.
Marrying young is not a right, it is a choice. In our culture, marrying young is not a good idea. It has been demonstrated to fail more often than it succeeds. In other cultures, marrying young may make more sense.
However, when I am asked I will always say wait till you are in your 20's. It makes the most sense for successful marriages.
Think of it this way, you have a die with 10 sides. Three sides are green and 7 sides are red. When a young couple gets married, they throw that die. 7 out of 10 times, they will get a red side and fail. Now, for the sake of argument, lets say that one of your children is very sick. There is a treatment that completely cure your child if it works and it only works 3 times out of 10. The other 7 times your child dies. If you did nothing, your child would spend the rest of their life with a disability. (Please don't waste everybodies time nit picking the set up, please deal with the ideas presented Would you risk your childs life on those odds? Marriage is like that. 3 times out of 10, it works. 7 times out of 10 it fails and for those 7 failures, a strickt reading of the biblical teachings on divorce, they shold never marry again. 3 in 10 live happily ever after, 7 don't. That is not a right you are championing, that is gambeling with lives.
Peoples attitudes change. Between the time they are 25 nd 25, their attitudes can change completely. Mine certainly did. So did many of my frineds. Those frineds that did not change are not close frineds any more, we grew appart. Happens in marriages as well.
1PeaceMaker
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:wave:
1PeaceMaker
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You are gambling because you believe it's a throw of the dice. You don't believe God protects marriage, apparently, or that divorce is the product of a hard heart or the laws and will of God concerning remarriage.
The only attitude that is a threat to marriage is a hard heart.
No, I don't. God is not a genni that exists to grant our every wish our guide our every set. He let's us live our lives and make our mistakes. We do our best but we make mistakes. 70% of the people who marry young make a mistake. That number goes down as age goes up.
what a completely useless observation. ANY reason somebody gives you you will use to conclude that somebody had a hard heart. It does nothing to help people who are struggling in their marriage and it certainly does not give you the moral high ground.
Once again, you project.
It's WISE. End of story.
OIC ... so you do not wish to promote teen marriage as normal and preferable? Well, that is progress.
1PeaceMaker
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So you don't believe God would show you the right person for you to marry, a safe choice for you? You don't believe God would keep the hearts in your marriage soft?
You are quite a gambler. I thought you got a heart of stone replaced with a heart of flesh, did you not? If you didn't you have not been reborn. You would be a divorce risk. By the numbers.
Oh, I see. You concede that the reasons a person gets divorced may actually be solely for hard-hearted reasons.
And as for struggling in marriage, everybody has their little struggles.
But name one struggle that ends a marriage without a hard heart being involved.
1PeaceMaker
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I don't think you really approve of their goals. Do you really approve of 14-15 year olds on college campuses? What about university at 16? You wouldn't let them enter a dorm before 18, right? Just wondering. I'd like you to tell me you really approve of what they dream of doing.
Why would 14 and 15 year olds be on college campuses rather than high school?
Insofar as goals, I approve of goals that do not set people up for defeat OR put them in position of vulnerability.
Teen marriage = position of vulnerability.
1PeaceMaker
New member
Because they are done with high school and want further education.
Well then... how about teen girls running around on a big campus where adults are educated?
Teen on campus = what then?
Also, who's in a vulnerable position with teen marriage? I wasn't any more vulnerable when I was a married teen. Not any more then than now.
I am not a Calvinist so no. I do not believe God directs our every thought and step. I do not believe that God picked my wife for me. I do believe that my wife is a gift from God and make every effort to treat her accordingly.
My first marriage lasted two years. I was 19 years old. When I married my second wife I was 25. At 19 is was far to young and inexperienced to form a lasting marriage. It was a marriage based on, what did you call them, ah yes, biological imperatives. At 25, our marriage was based on frinedship, mutual respect and trust and has weathered a great many storms.
When I married my first wife I had dreams of a life time together. She ended up having dreams for her coworker. Had I listened to my parents who told me to wait, oh how life would have been different.
No, I am simply pointing out that ANY reason a person gives to you you will construed as a hard heart.
You will have to define a hard heart before I rise to your bait. A heart hardened against who or what? God? Your Spouse? Both? Something Else?
An odd fact of marriage are the divorces that happen late in life, after the kids are raised. One morning empty nesters wake up and look at the person in bed next to them and realize that they no longer know who that person is. The years spent raising children and earning a living have caused these two people to actually grow in different directions, to grow apart. They loved, and still love, their children. They always cared about each other and made sure that there was a place to live, food to eat and clean clothes to wear. None the less, they no longer know the person they married the way they once did and they find that they are no longer in love. IT happens. Please show us the hard hearts in this marriage.
That's uncommon. I am speaking of the norm. However, since you wish to pretend that education is the same as marriage, I will remind you that committing to a college isn't the same as committing to a person. One can take a break OR leave the college altogether. There is no "until death do you part" ...
Right ... because they will be sharing a home, bed and children with those adults, correct? After all, that is why young women go to college.
lain:I will try to state this in a way that even you will understand it. You were NOT an underage teenager. YOU were a young adult.
Anyone with an ounce of honesty wouldn't need to twist and pretend that I really meant teens who were almost in their twenties.
That's uncommon. I am speaking of the norm. However, since you wish to pretend that education is the same as marriage, I will remind you that committing to a college isn't the same as committing to a person. One can take a break OR leave the college altogether. There is no "until death do you part" ...
Right ... because they will be sharing a home, bed and children with those adults, correct? After all, that is why young women go to college.
I will try to state this in a way that even you will understand it. You were NOT an underage teenager. YOU were a young adult.
Anyone with an ounce of honesty wouldn't need to twist and pretend that I really meant teens who were almost in their twenties.
An adult by your definition as an age set by law and nothing more. You have no idea if she was really an adult. She is still a teenager of 15 in yours and others minds. Other than an arbitrary age, you have a subjective , ever changing idea of what it means to be a teenager or adult.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...V2BGSCh2V7QDf&usg=AFQjCNExZuJi2yGggvQ_KtJ9ta4
15qbJLA
Chinese woman takes cue from Rusha
Chinese woman takes cue from Rusha
1PeaceMaker
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Do you believe that God answers prayers?
How can she be a gift from God if he didn't pick her for you? Do you believe God doesn't pick spouses for praying people anymore?
This wasn't a case of her having a hard enough heart to cheat, or you ignoring a character analysis given by your parents of her, meaning you both had a hard heart?
I listened to my parents and brought them into my decision making. They were in other states, but I contacted them as a part of my praying, seeking and testing process.
What kind of a heart disregards loving wisdom from parents?
If you were right, you could prove I was wrong. Objectively. There should be at least one instance you can find. I adhere to Matthew 7:12 as the standard for those with tender hearts, so find me a divorce based on Matthew 7:12-compatible thinking.
The Bible definition. God said he would replace a hard heart with a soft, fleshy one.
How does that happen in a relationship where a man loves his wife as he is commanded? Wouldn't he still know her, and her him?
Drifting can happen but what kind of heart does it take to make a drift into an impasse?
How would they grow apart from their spouse to the point of divorce-level misery if they were following Matt. 7:12?
You really see kind, tenderhearted people doing this kind of thing to each other?
Yes.
Adam needed a helper so God created Eve. Women are God's gift to men.
See what I mean? ANY reason I give you for a marriage ending you will conclude was the result of a hard heart.
A young, inexperienced and underdeveloped one. One with poor impulse control.
You already proved (see above) that any reason a person offers you will conclude is a hard heart. You prove it again below when you imply that drifting apart is the result of a hard heart. As with any other subject you have discussed or will discuss on this forum, you have your conclusions predetermined and you will never see anything but what you have already concluded.
Can a heart be hardened towards a spouse but not towards God? Can you have a hard heart towards God but not towards your spouse? Tighten up your definition a bit please.
Life. Raising children come between them. Working for a living comes between them. The saddest part is that they don't even realize it is happening.
A human heart.
Because they lose touch with each other through the years. They still take care of each others basic needs but they discover that they failed to communicate during the time they were raising their family. Did they do unto each other? No. Does that mean their hearts were hardened? Well, until you give us a good definition of what a hard heart is, that can't be answered. For my own part I would say no, their hearts are not hardened, they just are no longer able to connect.
Yes. It happens. They don't intend for it to happen but it does. They don't hate each other, they don't fight but they don't love each other anymore. IT doesn't make them bad people or particularly evil people, it just makes them.
They don't love each other anymore? You mean they are no longer fond of each other. The sexual fire is gone. There is lingering hostility. A hard heart uses those as an excuse to walk away. Only a hard heart does that. If you stay married until you've lost that loving feeling, then you married for the wrong reason and you had a hard heart from the beginning.
Maybe so, but I'm not speaking to your particular experience, but the rule and why it's a bad idea for seventy percent of the people who feel like, going in, it's the right call.
The same thing I've noted from the beginning, the biological and also (for most) the experiential limitations.
Well, no. It's not typically months of courting and counselling. But I'm glad you went through that. As with your outcome, it's exceptional.
It isn't about intelligence at all and nothing you can quote me actually writing does anything of the sort... It's about thinking with the wrong part of the brain because the part that's meant to do the reasoning for you is under repair. It's about a biological impairment and a want of life experience. And however you want to frame me, it doesn't alter the objective fact of what happens, seven times out of ten, when someone under that mark marries.
Whatever the reason and there are many, from sex to finances to a want of maturity the end result remains for most, tragic. And so, for most, it's a bad idea.
Sorry, but you're just wrong. Biology makes it less likely that you'll be using the part of the brain that's designed by God for good judgment and more likely to heavily rely on the impulse control deficient part of the brain that is embroiled in the more purely emotional response to experience.
No, it really isn't. It seems that way to you because you stopped growing in that way before you could encompass it. That said, I think life has already taught you a little about it but you haven't recognized it. I'll explain that in a minute.
Part of what she liked about me from the beginning was that I was happy. I made her laugh. Or, as she put it, she liked what she saw, but she loved what she heard.
So what I'd be likely to say is that she has made me happier. I wouldn't want to have my life without her. It would be lessened by her absence. Or Jack what? You said your husband made you happy. Okay, you started in the hole, to the extent it caused you physical troubles, but then you had kids together. Your kids didn't make you even happier?
You tell them that? You tell them, "I was happy before you were born"? But you said you were. Then you were happier still after they came. That's life telling you what I was and you not considering it enough to find the point.
Supra. Though by now you should be willing to retract what you obviously experienced yourself.
Or, to encapsulate, I was happy, had a good life before I ever set eyes on my wife. I was happy with my wife for years before Jack announced himself. Both added to my happiness and gave me the opportunity to return the favor.
Never marry a person from need. That's something in you that you need to deal with. Marry from love, which is a desire to give. It's an abundance, not a need.
I doubt most people ever try, though it wasn't my goal to spend my life alone. I knew life could be improved by sharing it and it was.
I never said it was, never even implied it. I don't tend to attempt to quantify joy. I don't know why anyone would, outside of a stab at poetry. Marriage is a contextual shift for happiness and a joyful addition to it, is its own, unique experience. So is parenthood.
What I said was that we are creatures of impulse and desire, but that those should be ruled by wisdom.
You do sound young. It might be because you still are or because that's how you patterned when you truncated the learning curve. My wife's mother married young like you and I notice that in some ways she seems much younger than her years.
I'd say if a thirty something year old man is looking at girls instead of peers it speaks to a problem of some sort. It might be a bad experience with them or a desire to recapture something lost. It doesn't have to be sinister or an insurmountable problem and needn't be a desire to cause harm or control, but it raises flags in part because so many of the usual things that make for compatibility are missing and because of what we know about young people in terms of their want of experience and tendency to impulsive behavior rooted in emotional response.
All sorts of things go into how a judge deals with property in a divorce, beginning with fault. Maybe some here without much real experience with the law were speaking to old, traditional notions and popular distortions or conflating an anecdote with a rule. I don't know. I haven't been reading a lot of the other conversations given time constraints.
Kids in single parent homes suffer. If we can, by forestalling for a few years, arrive on average at a union that will provide a more stable base for them it's another reason to wait.
Thinking should lead you back to the fact of the matter and a conclusion at odds with your feeling, not in the particular case, but as for the general rule of it.
No one said otherwise. But if I told you that you could take this vaccine and thirty percent of the time it would make you a better person in the long haul and help you find a happier existence, but that seventy percent of the time you'd get cancer I doubt you'd be frantically rolling up your sleeve. Because they're horrible odds.
Worse, other people will suffer along with you, most of the time.
In this case, eight year olds have underdeveloped arms and they can't be good swimmers, only lucky floaters. If seventy percent of eight year olds who attempted to swim drowned would you say the important thing is that thirty percent didn't?
lain:That's a read in. It suits your narrative. It isn't necessarily so. Maybe in your immaturity you asked for something you would have been better off without that early but it worked out anyway. Maybe God did what he could and you were fortunate beyond that. Maybe the thought was, well, better she do what she should wait for than burn.
Emotional justifications and slight to sustain what reason won't isn't a sign of reason or maturity, young lady. Instead, be happy that it worked for you but recognize it's mostly a demonstrably bad idea for most people.
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https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...V2BGSCh2V7QDf&usg=AFQjCNExZuJi2yGggvQ_KtJ9ta415qbJLA
Chinese woman takes cue from Rusha
This is almost as mature of a response as you posted when you posted under Voltaire and Dolo.
I noticed you are still not using the quote feature. Is it too difficult for you to figure out or are you just too lazy, stubborn and inconsiderate to use it?