Your posts are thoughtful and somewhat encouraging, although I feel that you are close to danger in that you seem to put a lot of credence into what your heart tells you.
Dear Brandon,
Dutch-uncle time.
First, Clete does not have a clue about me. He doesn't know who I am, he doesn't know what I love, he doesn't know what I want. Clete has no choice but to cast me in the worst possible light. He is incapable of doing otherwise. He cannot help himself. Because if it turns out there is one shred of decency in me, one little spark of grace, one chance in a million that I am actually the disciple of the Nazerene Master, then there is some small chance that Clete is mistaken about some things. And that is a possibility too horrible for Clete to contemplate.
I've said many, many times on the board that I am not a Christian. Roll that word around on your tongue for a minute - just get the taste of it. "Kuh-RIS-chun". Briefly, let every though of what the word means fall silent and focus on the sound of it.
Kuh-RIS-chun. Kuh-RIS-chun
That sound is a vibration in the air - that is all. "Kuh-RIS-chun"
Now, the point I want to make is that I am not a vibration in the air. I and
kuh-RIS-chun are not the same thing. So if I tell you that I am not a Christian you must not attach any more signifigance to this statement than that. If I said "I am a
kuh-RIS-chun" you would still not have any more information about what I am, because
kuh-RIS-chun is a vibration in the air, and not the essence of a person or a Person.
When people make this vibration in the air it tends to trigger ideas in the minds of others who hear it. It causes all kinds of associations and habitual patterns of thought. The problem is, it does not trigger the same thoughts in every person who hears it. It means different things to different people. So I have gone out of my way to make the point that "I am not a Christian" - because when you hear the word "Christian", the thoughts that go through your brain may be very different that the thoughts I mean by the word "Christian".
In denying that I'm a Christian I am playing a game similar to the one where I say I'm an honorary homosexual. I am making a purposeful exaggeration to get a point across. And the reason I do it is because I don't want people to focus on any label I hang on myself - I would rather they decide what I am based on what I share.
So let me just add my voice to Clete's and reaffirm once again that I am not a Christian. I thank him for reminding you of that.
Now - on to the main point I wanted to make. When you first accepted Jesus Christ, where did He tough you in the strongest way? Was it in your brain? I mean, did you start thinking a different kind of logical thoughts as the result of having accepted Jesus?
Or was it instead in your
heart? Did you begin to
feel things differently - did you
intuit the world from a new center? If your experience is anything like mine, then it is primarily in the heart.. This is where you
know - not in rational-linguistic propositions but in the direct tough of the indwelling God. Minds are very good servants, but they are terrible masters.
Be very wary when someone instructs you to put distance between yourself and your heart. The heart that is occupied by Jesus Christ will not lead you far astray. But a head full of ideas get you into the worst trouble. Re-read Clete's points above, pray about it, and consult with your heart. That's where God talks to you. He doesn't leave you Emails.
Matt