I make no boast with any of that. I'm still a little ashamed even though now I know I was just a malnourished baby Christian who was neglected by other baby Christians who didn't realize they weren't even helping themselves, much less me.
At the time, I was entangled deeper and deeper in the common distractions of evangelicalism and fundamentalism...a constant diet of discernment ministries, counter-cult data, end times stuff, commentaries, the odd expose on this or that famous Christendom figure, "deeper life" meditations and devotionals...you know the routine. All of which have their place, I suppose, depending on who does the teaching. But back then, that WAS my diet. I gorged myself on it all. And I was empty. And I knew I was starving to death.
Starving because the Bible itself made no sense to me. Bits and pieces did; there's parts you can't NOT understand. But I wanted -- needed -- to understand it all, at least how it all fit together. Yet it wasn't even the milk I was feeding on, much less the meat. It was regurgitated milk from others. So I doubted many times that it really did fit together because I couldn't make heads or tales of "the big picture." Nor could anyone I asked; they all contradicted each other. So reading the Word became a chore, a drudge, unpleasant, frustrating and -- coupled with my Calvinistic doubt driven navel-gazing about whether I was elect or not -- terrifying. So for a long time, I quit. Refused to pick up a Bible.
It's different now. Have by no means "arrived," still growing slowly. But growing, and learning. And in an odd way I take comfort in the increased spiritual attacks, and in RECOGNIZING them as such. Comforting to really see the ghastly depths of vicious, despicable warfare against the Spirit that the flesh is capable of..while also resting in the fact that that is NOT me, not anymore (even though it never stops trying to convince me we're one and the same). When you're catching flak you know you're over the target, they say.
In humility, I do thank God for His grace that I never did throw whatever mental switch would have let me turn my mind off and float downstream in a river of human teaching, auguring ever deeper into it until I never came out. I thank God that by His grace I did not remain the enemy of the cross that I had been as a young believer, because that's exactly what I was even while I thought I was defending it. Sorry for the ramble.