(This is like the idea of this entire thread.)
Did you ever go to grammar school? Surely the Romans have a system of education? Maybe the Romans could give sPate a scholarship? (You think he plays football?)
In grammar school one of the very first lessons is the ABC's. In this case the lesson is the ABC's of salvation. After that is taught the student moves on to things like history.
But there are some real dunce caps out there. They really need some help.
Why don't you stay after class with young sPate and wash my chalk board so that it will be ready for tomorrow's lesson. We will be learning arithmetic. Focusing on the tic toc of the Roman clock that is slowly winding down.