This is the Make Me Laugh Thread

R

republicanchick

New member
We who watch the news daily need a good laugh. The llama story didn't exactly cut it for me... didn't get why that made national news... Heck, my life story should make national news... but... oh whatever..

In any case, I saw this story on Fox and one of the commentators (I think it was Hemmer) said something funny. I can't say for sure it was him b/c I read the captions and sometimes also get distracted... but anyway

this wanna be thief was trying to break into a car.. and he slipped and knocked himself out.

and the commentator said:

that theologians ought to use this video to prove the existence of God


:chuckle:
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rainee

rainee

New member
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich..

A short time later the waitress returns with the order
"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine when the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,
"That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 
lovemeorhateme

lovemeorhateme

Well-known member
Here's a news story I remember from a few years ago. It sure cracked me up at the time!

In the long and noble history of the world’s most incompetent criminals, we have an impressive new entry – a burglar who decided that the ideal shop to break into would be… a security camera store.

Police in Boise, Idaho made one of the easier arrests they’ll ever make, after 21-year-old Allen Michael Darnell’s every move was filmed by over a dozen demonstration CCTV cameras in the Computer Central store.

The footage show him smashing the glass front door, then walking around the shop trying to steal computers. Unfortunately for him, they were bolted down.

He appears to have noticed the fact that the store was filled with security cameras, because after a short time he pulls his coat up over his head. This devious criminal masterstroke was slightly undercut, however, by the fact that he also kept going up to the cameras and staring straight into them.

Having spent some time failing to steal any computers and staring into surveillance cameras, Darnell decided to make off with around $250 from the cash register. The next part of his plan – hide in some nearby bushes until the police arrived – was then executed flawlessly.

He was arrested after a short chase, when police saw him hiding in the bushes.

The store had only started selling security cameras a few months previously. ‘We have infrared cameras, we have all weather cameras that were picking up what was going on, high definition cameras, that kind of thing,’ store Sales Manager Kelly Johnson told TV station Fox 12.

Boise Police spokeswoman Lynn Hightower was grateful to the store for having the security cameras, and to the thief for looking into them. ‘Let’s just say that it helped make the arrest a little easier,’ she noted.
Click to expand...

http://metro.co.uk/2006/10/27/burglar-robs-cctv-camera-shop-303456/

:chuckle:
 
rainee

rainee

New member
Last night, my husband and I were sitting in the living room and I said to him, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'


He got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

He's such a jack***.
 
rainee

rainee

New member
This is for those who have been around a wee bit longer than Lovemeorhateme :)

1978: Long hair
2015: Longing for hair


1978: KEG
2015: EKG


1978 : Acid rock
2015: Acid reflux




1978: Moving to California because it's cool
2015: Moving to Arizona because it's warm




1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2015: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1978: Seeds and stems
2015: Roughage



1978: Hoping for a BMW
2015: Hoping for a BM



1978: Going to a new, hip joint
2015: Receiving a new hip joint



1978: Rolling Stones
2015: Kidney Stones



1978: Screw the system
2015: Upgrade the system



1978: Disco
2015: Costco



1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2015: Children begging you to get their heads shaved



1978: Passing the drivers' test
2015: Passing the vision test



1978: Whatever
2015: Depends
 
rainee

rainee

New member
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see
if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a
big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would
that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, Mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would that get me into
Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband,
Could that get me into Heaven?"

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well,"
I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
 
lovemeorhateme

lovemeorhateme

Well-known member
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house............. and left it there all night.
 
rainee

rainee

New member
The Good Samaritan Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?

I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."
 
rainee

rainee

New member
Ok, Lovemeorhateme, you youngun:
Here is a Doo Wop Quiz for all but you may have to ask an "oldie" for help!

(I admit I don't know the answer to some of them - and it's not really fair to ask a Brit about most of them since they are obviously from a US angle - but I don't know where to find Brit Quizzes!) (Oh and answers tomorrow)

Doo Wop Quiz


1. When did ''Little Suzie'' finally wake up?
(a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
(b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
(c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock

2. ''Rock Around The Clock'' was used in what movie?
(a) Rebel Without A Cause
(b) Blackboard Jungle
(c) The Wild Ones

3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____
(a) Angel
(b) Mother
(c) Worm

4. ''I found my thrill .. . ..'' where?
(a) Kansas City
(b) Heartbreak Hotel
(c) Blueberry Hill

5. ''Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream,'':
(a) Mr. Sandman
(b) Earth Angel
(c) Dream Lover

6.. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a) Atlantic
(b) RCA
(c) Sun

7. He asked, ''Why's everybody always pickin' on me?'' Who was he?
(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b) Charlie Brown
(c) Buster Brown

8.. In Bobby Darin's ''Mack The Knife,'' the one with the knife, was named:
(a) MacHeath
(b) MacCloud
(c) MacNamara

9. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.''
(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c) Tutti Fruitti

10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ''Rock And Roll''?
(a) Dick Clark
(b) Wolfman Jack
(c) Alan Freed
11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
(a) Little Richard
(b) Frankie Lymon
(c) Tony Orlando

12. Paul Anka's ''Puppy Love'' is written to what star?
(a) Brenda Lee
(b) Connie Francis
(c) Annette Funicello

13. The Everly Brothers are . . ....
(a) Pete and Dick
(b) Don and Phil
(c) Bob and Bill

14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
(a) Jiles P. Richardson
(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
(c) Marion Michael Morrison

15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called...
(a) Decca
(b) Cameo
(c) Motown

16. Edd Brynes had a hit with ''Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb''. What TV show was he on?
(a) 77 Sunset Strip
(b) Hawaiian Eye
(c) Surfside Six

17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
(a) Carol Lynley
(b) Sandra Dee
(c) Natalie Wood

18. They were a one hit wonder with ''Book Of Love'':
(a) The Penguins
(b) The Monotones
(c) The Moonglows

19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called ''Till I ______ You.''
(a) Loved
(b) Kissed
(c) Met

20. Chuck Berry sang ''Oh, ___________, why can't you be true?''
(a) Suzie Q
(b) Peggy Sue
(c) Maybelline
21. ''Wooly _______''
(a) Mammouth
(b) Bully
(c) Pully

22. ''I'm like a one-eyed cat . . . .."
(a) can't go into town no more
(b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor
(c) peepin' in a seafood store

23. ''Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do . . .. . ..''
(a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze
(b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
(c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise

24. ''They often call me Speedo, but my real name is . . . . . .''
(a) Mr. Earl
(b) Jack ie Pearl
(c) Milton Berle

25. ''You're my Fanny and nobody else's .....''
(a) girl
(b) butt
(c) love

26. ''I want you to play with my ... . . ''
(a) heart
(b) dreams
(c) ding a ling

27. ''Be Bop A Lula ....''
(a) she's got the rabies
(b) she's my baby.
(c) she loves me, maybe

28. ''Fine Love, Fine Kissing ....''
(a) right here
(b) fifty cents
(c) just for you

29. ''He wore black denim trousers and . . .''
(a) a pink carnation
(b) pink leotards
(c) motorcycle boots

30. ''I got a gal named . . .''
(a) Jenny Zamboni
(b) Gerri Mahoney
(c) Boney Maroney
 
Mocking You

Mocking You

New member
The Senator Goes to Hell

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher-ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...

So, twenty-four hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the twenty-four hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a stinking, murky swampland filled with effluence and other waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, sweating profusely, dressed in rags, cloths shoved in their nostrils, waist deep in the stew while more crap and waste liquid constantly falls on them from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of crap and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted..."
 
R

republicanchick

New member
rainee said:
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see
if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a
big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would
that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, Mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would that get me into
Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband,
Could that get me into Heaven?"

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well,"
I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Click to expand...

that is really funny... leave it to a kid..



__
 
R

republicanchick

New member
Nick M said:
Do you know when a couple of southern Baptists suddenly don't know each other?

At the liquor store.
Click to expand...

well, that's 1 thing I don't like about them and other up-tight groups...

there's nothing wrong with a little liquor here and there... or dancing, as long as it's not dirty dancing or whatever...


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